Struggling to be spontaneous, while dealing with anxiety.

I'm doing that thing right now, where you write without planning. Do you guys ever do that? It's extremely therapeutic, and I recommend it every now and again if you really just want to vent, have a casual chat or at least try to get across your current feelings. It's kind of nice. So bear with me today.

I'm hoping August is a really good one, filled with lots of joy and little adventures. Last week I had like 3 days in a row where I felt really down, and I couldn't figure out why. It weren't that oh so fantastic time of month where I'm always totes emosh, I had purposely quietened my schedule so I could have some free time, and I didn't have anything that was worrying me. In fact, things were pretty nifty. So what was up?
I think I've come to the realisation that I'm someone who always need to be busy, busy, busy. Whether it's working, blog stuff, seeing friends, going somewhere, doing something... whatever. That to-do list better be filled with stuff each day, or you can guarantee I'll start feeling down. So when I had cleared my schedule, although I really needed it (I'd been getting a tad stressed) I didn't plan anything to fill the gap. And it left me feeling lonely, bored, unfulfilled and super miserable. This isn't the best thing to discover about myself, as I'd like to learn to enjoy downtime obviously. But I think I've figured out a way to help myself a little.
On the fourth day, I made spontaneous plans to go out for drinks after work with my friend Alex. This is something I haven't done in SO LONG. I used to be really spontaneous, and I loved it. But for a while my anxiety has stopped me being my old spontaneous self really, and it's sucked. I worry I'll suddenly feel anxious or upset while I'm out, I panic that it's not pre-planned and I'm not sure what I'll be doing, and I just generally feel like bees are flying around my stomach by not sticking to a plan. Biting the bullet last week and just agreeing to go out after work, even though I knew I'd be tired, only have a small amount of money and have to catch up on social media work when I got home, was awesome. I had such a great time, had plenty of laughs, got too drunk, and seen someone I haven't seen in ages. We've made plans to do it again this week. I was left feeling so happy.
So anyway, I've figured out how to strike the perfect balance, maybe. I need to schedule 'me' time, when I can do anything or nothing. BUT I also need to make a loose, casual plan for this time too, for things I might want to do during this 'me' time. That sounds super weird and OTT right? I know. But I think having SO MUCH to do for too long gets me stressed, and having NOTHING to do leaves me depressed. So I'm going to always try keep myself busy, even if busy means a scheduled Netflix day or quietly painting by myself. It just seems to help me.
And of course, I'm going to try be more spontaneous and say YES to every drunk adventure I can. It's good for me! Right? Right??

Do any of you have the same issues, needing to be busy or have a schedule all the time?





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