Being Fierce

This week has seen my anxiety pull me under and almost drown me for the first time in around a year. Anxiety is a struggle that I battle with, and mostly overcome. A lot of the time I'm treading water, and it's hard, but I can see the shore. This week left me gasping for breath and scrambling more than I'd like to go into though. And quite frankly, I've had enough. Anxiety, you are a cruel bitch whose shit I'm not willing to put up with anymore.

Of course, I'm not saying there's a choice. Please; anyone else who suffers, do not be offended by my attitude right now. I'm simply saying that I'm choosing to be FIERCE. I'm going to push through this with all the power I can muster, and I'm gonna come out the other side stronger. I'm determined to not let this be the defining factor in who I am. I'm going to be the girl who makes you laugh, the girl who chases her dreams, the girl who isn't afraid and the girl who also, sometimes, feels anxious... and that's okay.

There are going to be hard times again, of course. But I promise myself I will concentrate on the good throughout it. I'm not going to feel like a failure, or a freak, and I'm not going to worry about what other people think. I'm going to remember this moment, and how I got through it.
I'm going to be fierce.


*There are hundreds of ways you can deal with anxiety, and I fully recommend always consulting with your doctor about this.



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Anxiety, Stress & Acceptance

Hello everyone & a happy Monday to you all, I hope you all had a lovely weekend. This week I've been toying with the idea of a bit of a personal post, a general insight into the changes I've made in my life lately, and how they've helped. If you don't know already, I suffer from extreme anxiety, stress and lack of self confidence. I can be a big heap of a mess sometimes. I hope by reading this you may feel someone else understands what you are dealing with, or maybe it will help you better understand someone else going through this. 
Most of all I'd like people to realise this isn't a 'trend' or a term that should be used lightly. I have sought medical help multiple times and only after years was I diagnosed with Anxiety.

Anxiety- I've seen plenty of blogs talking about Anxiety issues these past few months, and it's great. The more people talk about these issues, the better for everyone. But we need to understand these issues and not encourage people who use the term 'anxiety' loosely. The reason I've decided to write about this myself is to share my progress, speak about how it's affected me in specific ways, and hopefully give some tips to help any of you in similar positions.

How It Began- There is something that happened to me as a child, which I would never wish on anybody. I really don't want to say what happened, because I think it would hurt. Maybe one day I will, but I'm not ready for that yet. It affected my whole life, and all my relationships. I while do feel I've gotten over the worst of it, it has made it harder for me to trust people. And because of this I haven't spoke about my anxiety/stress issues with friends or family at all really. I'm hoping this post gives me the courage to be open about these issues in the future. Since my Dad died over three years ago, I've suffered with terrible anxiety, stress and depression at various times. I do not consider myself depressed at all now and haven't for at least a year and half, but it was pretty bleak when I was. I still however have anxiety and stress related issues which affect me in a multitude of ways. I became withdrawn, antisocial and always on the verge of panic. I constantly put on a front when I was with friends, and acted the clown, or as 'normal' as possible. I don't think many of them even knew anything was wrong, which was just how I liked it. The only person I was 100% comfortable around and who seen the truth of me was my boyfriend, Gary. He understood my quick mood changes, my struggles to sleep at night, my utter panic at busy social situations, and he was amazing. Having him there with such constant support, love and friendship gotten me through the worst. I think it all came to a head around six or seven months ago, and I reached my peak. I was the most stressed I'd ever been, angry all the time, I hated myself and I felt so physically drained too. I ended up going off sick from work for around 2 months, before quitting my job altogether. I couldn't take it.

What I Did- I went to see my Doctor, and explained everything I'd been feeling and going through. It was the best thing I did, because she was so understanding and caring, I honestly felt a weight had been lifted. She put me on mild Antidepressants and suggested many ways in which I could improve things, such as talking to people, finding an activity or hobby to put into my routine which calms me, exercise, and various ways of dealing with grief, panic attacks and stress.
Where I Am Now- I'd like to think I'm totally over it all now, but I know it's not true. I'm a hell of a lot better, definitely. But there are still times I'll cancel on a friend because I'm feeling stressed out, or I purposefully won't attend a social gathering I feel uncomfortable in. There are times when it all feels a little bit too much, and I'm lost. But I'd say I'm at least 70% better than I was at the start of this year. I am no longer on Antidepressants, although I do have medication for stress/panic attacks if I need it. I have found that since I have begun blogging my mind and thoughts are more organised and focused, I feel a purpose and a passion whilst writing/creating content online. I have began eating better, and by that I don't mean I'm a total angel; it means I don't binge anymore, I'm trying new things and I'm watching what I put into my body. I've began an exercise streak going over three weeks strong now, by making sure I get at least an hour of exercise every single day. This has felt amazing, and I can see & feel positive changes in my body and mind. I hope to keep this going. One little thing I will mention, is I've also recently come off Cerazette too. For those who don't know, this is a version of the contraceptive pill that stops your periods altogether. I was on this for around 6 years, and had no problems. I was put on it because my periods were so bad that I was in agony every month. This solved this and I felt much better. The reason I've decided to come off it though is because every pill has side effects, and a common one with this is 'moodiness'. So in the interest of trying to help in every way I can, I decided to come off this pill to see if that helps too. I do feel it might have, but it's a little early to tell. Still, if you are on this you might want to consider this too. Also, recently my mum has been hospitalised multiple times, for stress. It seems I'm not the only one in this family to suffer from it, and I've known she has for years really. It got so bad though for her she has been seriously ill for months. She's on the mend now, and we understand each other in a way we never have before. We both know the importance now of not letting life get on top of us, and learning to deal with stress. It was the scare we both needed (unfortunately) to change our lives. I'm hoping we can help each other on this journey, but she's been dealing with this a lot longer than me and I do think it will be even harder for her.
What Next?- In all honesty, I've no idea at all. I'm making positive changes and I hope to keep that going always. I never want to get drawn into these problems so much again, and I feel I have the support I need too, which means the world to me. I hope everyone is okay with me posting on such a personal and important issue as this, and I would love any feedback you could give. If you are going through problems like this, or need someone to talk to, feel free to leave me a message, or an email (dorkfaceinfo@gmail.com) and I'll be an ear for you :) I think I just wanted to explain how these issues have affected me, but also how I've learned to help myself and lessen these problems. I hope that by reading this maybe one or two of you could find comfort knowing it's not forever.

Thanks for reading guys x

International Panic Day

Yes, it's international panic day. I know, it's a bit ridiculous. I don't know who decides on these things, or how its supposed to be relevant to anything.. But! I thought, as someone who personally suffers very regularly from stress, panic attacks and anxiety,  why not turn this day around by using it as an excuse to do the opposite?

1. Take a long hot bubble bath.
2. Listen to music that cheers you up. Mine would be The Cure :)
3. Organise your wardrobe. I love having a good clear out and sorting through all  my clothes and arranging them.
4. Go for a run or get on your bike and beat the stress that way.

Happy thoughts

There are some of you that know already that I suffer with Anxiety issues and stress, and have for a while now. It affects a multitude of things in my life and can be quite difficult.

I will probably go into this fully at some point,but today is not about that directly.

Today I wanted to share one of the ways I deal with those issues.

All the things that make me...

^__^

I find sometimes that making a list of things that make me smile, or things to look forward to, or remember; can be very therapeutic and helpful when dealing with anxiety, stress or depression.

And especially lately, I've needed to keep these things in mind.

So here we go, it's my own personal happy list.

Gary is my loving boyfriend of almost 3 years, and I can wholeheartedly say I'm still madly in love with him.

He makes me laugh, he supports me in everything, he's so quirky and interesting and he makes me feel absolutely perfect. Even though I'm far from it. He treats me like a princess and I'm very lucky to have him.

Anything from Foe, Placebo, Blink 182, Lady Gaga, Eminem, The Cure, Hole. I have millions of various music loves in a whole load of genres. Music can relax me, calm me, remind me of happy times and also make me forget. Sometimes taking a deep breath, putting on a song you love and chilling out is all you need to feel better.

Something to look forward to! A reminder of good things to come can make even the darkest days doable. It means you have something to strive for, and it reminds you that feeling low wont be forever. For me that's a holiday to Greece this June with Gary. I count down, plan activities, think about what we will do and what we will see. It's an instant mood booster to know we can leave the country even just for a week, and be enjoying ourselves in a beautiful part of the world.

Im a huge animal lover and they never fail to cheer me up. I want a German Shepard and a Pug asap! My favourite animals are probably horses though, because I used to horse ride for years and it's so fun and rewarding. They are strong, beautiful creatures and I dream of having my own one day. For now though, I am only permitted a cat called Jake - He is my little bestie! I'm a sad old cat lady and I love my little guy. Seriously though anything to do with animals makes me happy. You can help out at a dog home, or cattery and even just taking a dog for a walk for someone can be therapeutic and rewarding.

Talking to someone, or having fun with a friend who knows you well can do you the world of good. You can either get your feelings out and have someone support you, or they can help you relax and forget about your problems. I'm so grateful for the friends I have, as they all make me happy in different ways. There are friends you see all the time, the ones you never see (but cherish and miss them), the ones that are good for a fun night out, and the friends who have always been there and who know you at your best and worst. I always recommend talking to someone if your anxiety or depression is getting too much for you to handle alone. And on that note; please anyone reading this always feel free to message me. I can be an ear to listen, and would always be happy to share my experiences if it helped.

Finding something you enjoy on a daily or weekly basis is so important. It's a way of expressing yourself and helps you put things in perspective. No matter how trivial or random it may seem, if it's something you enjoy; Go for it! Personally I love to paint, make collages, take photographs, read, go shopping (Sorry but retail therapy really is great!), bake (even though I'm awful at it) and visit new places. 

There are so many ways to get ideas for a new hobby, such as http://discoverahobby.com/ or http://freeintenyears.com/frugal-tips/100-cheap-hobbies/

Let me know your hobbies, or of you try any new ones :)

And finally, number 7. Probably the most important one. Loving yourself.

Accepting who you are and embracing it sounds so truly cheesy. I know, it really does. But honestly, it can change your life. There is so much I don't like about myself, and have even hated about myself in the past. But it stops you from doing things you want to do and being who you are supposed to be.

These days I try to not let it hold me back, and try to always see the positive in myself. Sure, there are bad days, days when I'm so insecure that I almost have a panic attack before leaving the house. Those days become less and less though when I take the time to remind myself of my good points. When I realise the things I like about myself, and maybe why others like me; I feel a million times better. And it's an ongoing thing. I think it always will be for me personally, but the point is I know how to deal with it. And I like myself a little more as time goes on. 

Remind yourself of why you are unique, why you are loved, and love yourself too.

I hope this has been a tiny bit helpful to anyone who can relate, and I hope this also gives some insight into how it can be for others.

As I mentioned at the start of this, I will do a post one day explaining my issues properly. But for now let's all smile and enjoy the day :)

Happy thoughts to you all.

xo