memories
I'm so sorry for the crappy image, but I HAVE to include an image, and I'm never sure what images to use for these things. So I just took that ^ Like.. right now.
Anyway. I'm kinda drunk. Not totally battered, but you know; that sort of perfect messy? I thought it was about time I did another one of these brain splurges.
Right now I'm listening to Alkaline Trio - Fuck You Aurora, just in case you want to know for context and things. This song gives me so many feels, for so many different reasons. Mostly regret I'd say. So you would think I'd stop listening, but I also adore it haha.
I can feel a friendship slipping, and there's nothing I can do to fix it. I hate it. The more I mention it though, the more it seems to fade. And trying to fix it.. well, I am trying. But it seems pointless right now. And I believe the other person when they say it's not intentional, but.. it could be stopped? You know? Surely.
I'm actually in a good-ish mood, but I'm also thinking about some things that aren't great I guess. The people I miss, the things I'm not doing, how I'm not quite the person I want to be yet. I never really say out loud, or even written down I guess, OR even in my own head... how insanely worried I am. Focusing on the positive all the time really helps me. But it doesn't mean I don't have any problems, or these troubling thoughts don't enter my head and really nestle in there. Because they do.
This week you may have seen that Funeral For a Friend announced their farewell tour for 2016, which will be their last one ever. Now to be honest, they've basically been off the scene for years. But FFAF represent a huge, gigantic, emotional, painful, wonderful and crazy part of my life. I knew I had to get tickets.
Hearing their music instantly takes me back to my first year of college, and it was basically the best time of my life so far. That's not to say I'm not happy now, or experiencing the most amazing things in my life; I am! You better believe I am now more honest, creative, true to myself, open and wise than I ever could have been back when I was 16.
But the thing is... how fucking awesome was it being stupid/naive/angry/delirious with the world?
My sixteen year old self was so different to my current self in almost every way; some good, some bad. She thought she was fat (she wasn't) but still had the most confidence ever, she had time to just lie on her bed and play albums over and over on repeat, talk on MSN, write in her diary, talk on the phone for hours and draw. She would cry over boys, wear band tshirts, colour her hair and daydream about being a writer (even though she was studying Art). She would go out EVERY Thursday night with a huge group of friends, the same friends every week, and always making more. She would get piercings and be silly at 3am with those same friends and be convinced she was going to die young (I'm not sure why.. but I was always convinced).
These days I'm up until 3am a lot still; but it's always sat in my office still working, or in bed watching Netflix. If I'm at a park at 3am or out on the streets... something has seriously gone wrong. The only band tshirts I have left are for sleeping in, and well... in a way I never imagined; I am a writer. And an artist and a crafter and a social media manager (my sixteen year old self would find it mental that social media is big and important enough for people to pay you to do it for them). Yeah I still colour my hair, and my tattoos are now a part of me. Twitter is the new MSN, except without the emo screen names and 'oops, sorry wrong convo' shames. I barely have the time to sleep, let alone lie around on my own just to listen to music. I have to schedule seeing friends weeks (even months) ahead of time, and no one can be spontaneous any more.
It's almost breaking my heart a little bit to write all that, because that was my time growing up; and I loved it. I'm very lucky, I had the best teen years and early twenties anyone could ask for. If I could go back and do it all again... yeah, I'd do it. I'd party a little harder, I'd love myself a little more and I'd bring in as many sunrises half drunk with a friend as possible. (And I'd start blogging a lot earlier...)
As much as it breaks my heart missing so much about that time, having no responsibilities and feeling like the world was mine for the taking; there's a lot I have now that I could never have imagined back then, and I wouldn't want to give up for the world. I have a boyfriend who treats me like an actual princess every single day. No, not pretty nice. No, not generous or kind every now and again. Every single day. A partner who tells me how beautiful I am, every day we've been together. Someone who asks about my passions, and remembers things I've said in passing. Someone who supports my dreams and encourages me to grow. Someone who puts up with my shit. Because I can be quite shit. We have a place we live together, that I pretty much love. It's not perfect and it's not particularly glossy; but it's ours, and we love it. I have dreams I'm chasing, I have amazing opportunities and I have friends all over the world. I'm so fucking truly blessed.
So the thing is, I love sixteen year old Jemma. God, I adore her. She still makes me laugh and I envy so much of her life. But she's got a lot of shit to learn too. These days, at the age of twenty seven I find myself wanting the best of both worlds. I think that's why I wanted to get these tickets this week so bad. Seeing a band I so prominently resonate with my wreckless youth is important to me.
It might be the band's farewell tour, but I'll also be saying goodbye.
I'm gonna stop mourning the past, and I'm going to accept that I can't be sixteen forever. I'm going to accept that I have responsibilities, life can be shit sometimes and I won't always see my friends everyday. But I'm going to remember the fucking spirit and passion I had back when I was sixteen. I'm going to remember how important it is to just take the time to lie down, immerse yourself in the music you love and forget the world. I'm going to remember how much I just really never ever gave a fuck what anyone thought. I'm going to remember how much fun I put into every single day.
So I'll say goodbye to certain things, sure.
But I'm hoping this blast from the past will remind me to stay young at heart.
...And maybe to see in a few more sunrises drunk as hell.
Here's to the farewell tour.
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Sometimes there are quiet moments, like right now. I'm completely alone, sitting up in bed, typing away under fairy lights with the windows open. I can hear the quietness of the city outside distantly settling. I can't hear anyone else, and I've been silent for hours. It feels as if there is peace in my mind. Peace and agony.
In these moments, I can travel through time.
If I close my eyes, let everything else fall away, and listen only to my own breathing for a moment; I can travel anywhere, to any time. I'm right there in those moments I thought were long gone.
I'm around nine years old and I'm riding my bike around the block repeatedly. I love it, I feel free and I like the breeze in my hair. I feel like I'm going on my own adventure, even though I'm really staying within a small radius around our house. Just one more go around the block Mum, I'll be in soon.
The sun is setting, and the sky is orange.
I'm twelve, and I'm standing in a corn field. I'm with friends, and I'm with a boy I like. We're about to kiss, everyone knows it. It's so awkward, forced and stupid, and everyone is watching. I don't want to do this wrong. But I do really want to kiss him. Just maybe not with everyone watching. I can feel the pit of my stomach churning. He's a little older than me, and really nice. I'm not sure whether I'm supposed to kiss him first, or him me? I can hear people giggling, and a nearby river trickling away.
I'm 21. It's 4am and I'm sitting near the window, waiting. Hating myself a lot, feeling powerless. Not sure how to be myself anymore. Wondering if I'll be able to fix things so that he'll like me again. If I could just stop being so annoying, it'd be okay. I wonder if he'll see how much I care. I always feel like I'm bothering him, he makes me feel desperate. I'll just wait up another hour, that's it. I'll keep looking out the window and waiting.
I don't know how we got here, we were only supposed to go for one drink. Now I'm with the boys and we're all hammered. We're dancing like insane people, the music is good and we can't stop laughing. I have awesome friends, and I get to go home to my soul mate. I've spilled my drink, but no one even notices. It's loud and my ears are ringing. I wish I could bottle this feeling.
I get home, and there are roses waiting for me, I'm not sure what I did to deserve those. I'm so happy. I need sleep, and water. I collapse on the bed without changing clothes. Everything feels so good.
Sometimes I'll close my eyes and travel to a distant memory without meaning to, or to one I didn't even know I had. I'll feel that joy, or fear, or pain... all over again. It scares me sometimes, how ten years can feel like a moment ago. It's a good thing though mostly. It means I'm still me, it means people don't get left behind, you get to take them with you. It means you relive past pain, but you remember the lessons. It means you have gratitude for everything you've gained.
You can close your eyes, and go back through time to the most random, beautiful and strange moments. It's a gift.
We're all time travellers.
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Three Things You Taught Me
1. Never let anyone make you feel inferior.
Still a struggle sometimes, but in moments of weakness I only have to think of how strong and confident you were, and I am empowered.
2. Learn as much as you can.
Knowledge is power, and a gift. One that will enrich your life and reward you over and over again. Never take education for granted, and make the most of your brain.
3. Fight for what you believe in.
Something I try to do all the time, wherever I can. You were never one to shy away or to not stand up for important things. Your whole life was an inspiration to me.
I love you more every single day, and you are always in my thoughts. Not a day goes by without your memory. I hope I make you proud.
Happy Birthday Dad.
xx
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1. You wont feel like a 'grown up' as soon as you're 18.
2. You still won't feel like one at 26.
3. Do NOT pluck your eyebrows! Ask advice from someone older, or go a salon.
4. Be brave, nothing bad will happen.
5. You won't care about these embarrassing moments for that long!
6. You are worth more than this. (Specifically to myself aged 21/22.)
7. You will be getting plenty more tattoos.
8. Everyone moans right now, but one day they'll thank you for all the photos you're taking.
9. Stop worrying. It doesn't even matter, seriously!
10. Some people let you down in a big way. It's okay to just move on, you don't have to forgive them.
Ohhh if I could go back..
