Sometimes there are quiet moments, like right now. I'm completely alone, sitting up in bed, typing away under fairy lights with the windows open. I can hear the quietness of the city outside distantly settling. I can't hear anyone else, and I've been silent for hours. It feels as if there is peace in my mind. Peace and agony.
In these moments, I can travel through time.
If I close my eyes, let everything else fall away, and listen only to my own breathing for a moment; I can travel anywhere, to any time. I'm right there in those moments I thought were long gone.
I'm around nine years old and I'm riding my bike around the block repeatedly. I love it, I feel free and I like the breeze in my hair. I feel like I'm going on my own adventure, even though I'm really staying within a small radius around our house. Just one more go around the block Mum, I'll be in soon.
The sun is setting, and the sky is orange.
I'm twelve, and I'm standing in a corn field. I'm with friends, and I'm with a boy I like. We're about to kiss, everyone knows it. It's so awkward, forced and stupid, and everyone is watching. I don't want to do this wrong. But I do really want to kiss him. Just maybe not with everyone watching. I can feel the pit of my stomach churning. He's a little older than me, and really nice. I'm not sure whether I'm supposed to kiss him first, or him me? I can hear people giggling, and a nearby river trickling away.
I'm 21. It's 4am and I'm sitting near the window, waiting. Hating myself a lot, feeling powerless. Not sure how to be myself anymore. Wondering if I'll be able to fix things so that he'll like me again. If I could just stop being so annoying, it'd be okay. I wonder if he'll see how much I care. I always feel like I'm bothering him, he makes me feel desperate. I'll just wait up another hour, that's it. I'll keep looking out the window and waiting.
I don't know how we got here, we were only supposed to go for one drink. Now I'm with the boys and we're all hammered. We're dancing like insane people, the music is good and we can't stop laughing. I have awesome friends, and I get to go home to my soul mate. I've spilled my drink, but no one even notices. It's loud and my ears are ringing. I wish I could bottle this feeling.
I get home, and there are roses waiting for me, I'm not sure what I did to deserve those. I'm so happy. I need sleep, and water. I collapse on the bed without changing clothes. Everything feels so good.
Sometimes I'll close my eyes and travel to a distant memory without meaning to, or to one I didn't even know I had. I'll feel that joy, or fear, or pain... all over again. It scares me sometimes, how ten years can feel like a moment ago. It's a good thing though mostly. It means I'm still me, it means people don't get left behind, you get to take them with you. It means you relive past pain, but you remember the lessons. It means you have gratitude for everything you've gained.
You can close your eyes, and go back through time to the most random, beautiful and strange moments. It's a gift.
We're all time travellers.
Keep up to date with my latest posts by following me! :)
Bloglovin - Twitter - Instagram - Pinterest - Facebook
This is such a lovely post <3 My memory is absolutely hopeless. I wish I could recall some of the nicer and innocent memories of being young like you can. I can barely remember the past week, let alone a memory from when I was 9 years old! x
ReplyDeletelove this! :)
ReplyDeletewww.libertylifeandselfhelp.com
Such a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing. Lisa x
ReplyDelete( Astarfellonher.wordpress.com )
I loved this post! Sometime it happens to me too, to time travel with my mind :)
ReplyDeletexoxo
This post was beautiful Jemma - your writing is stunning. I can definitely relate to these feelings. - Tasha
ReplyDeleteThis is such a gorgeous post Jemma, really, truly beautiful.
ReplyDelete(I sometimes do this too, it calms me down... then there's the minefield of embarrassment that sometimes comes with...)
Fii xo || little miss fii
This is beautiful. Very poetic.
ReplyDeleteThis is a stunning post, beautifully written!xx
ReplyDeleteHoneypot Blogs
I always have moments like this at the most random times of day. It's crazy how little random memories will pop up every now and again. Sometimes they're painful, they form a lump in my throat, but other times I'll smile or laugh, either way, I embrace and re-live each and every one, after all, if it wasn't for the moments that made these memories I wouldn't be where I am now!
ReplyDeleteSarah :)
Saloca in Wonderland
Oh, what a lovely post! Your writing is magical, as I read it I felt like I was traveling through your memories ♥
ReplyDeleteAmy xx
Little Moon Dragon
This post is so lovely, it kinda made me transport back in time to some good & bad memories. I try to remember mainly good but sadly the bad ones seem to stick.
ReplyDeleteBee xxx
queenbeady.com
I love this post :) I do the same but and let my mind wander when I'm laying in bed or staring out the window. Very relaxing and helps me chill out :)
ReplyDeleteJohn
www.shoutjohn.co.uk
This. Is. Beautiful. I think I might come to this post when I'm down to remind myself to travel back to a happy memory :) xx
ReplyDeleteAmy|| Smoothamy.blogspot.com
Jemma, you've captured the essence of memory and it's contemporary label's counter part so well. I am in LOVE with this post! Your writing is such a gift to this world!
ReplyDeleteMay x • THE MAYDEN • bloglovin'
Jem this post is beautifully written, and what you say is true. If we switch off from the world around us, of course we can time travel, its just not a physical process. It's good to take time to remember bits of the past.
ReplyDeletexo
I love this post SO much, I can totally relate to it. It is almost frightening the ease with which I can reach into memories and how I can live them again so much I find myself replicating gestures and movements I made at the time! Random, isolated memories come to me really often - sometimes I think it's as simple as a breeze on your skin which may remind you of some time now past. I wish I knew more about memory and how it works. Thanks for inspiring me as I read this on a Sunday afternoon! :)
ReplyDeleteRebecca | The Two Twenty Somethings
Xx
I'm a big avoider of quiet times for this reason, I find that I'm usually draw to recall crap that I'd rather not see and feel all over again. I like noise, I like to keep my brain busy.
ReplyDeleteStill, they way you write about it, it's quite poetic and beautiful. All the feelings become a part of you in the end.