When talking to a friend recently, I had this shocking (to me) revelation that I carry so much guilt around with me everyday. Even if it's a great day and I'm really happy, there's always something I feel bad about, something on the edges of my mind making me feel a little crappy.
I never feel quite free from my own disastrous mind which tells me I'm lame, selfish, boring or not doing enough for others. I would love to feel totally clear in my own head for once, but I honestly haven't felt that for the longest time.
If you'll just allow me to vent in this blog post, that'd be great. I'm hoping getting it all out in this moment will help relieve me in some way. So some of the things filling me with guilt today are the following;
1. The Girl Gang. As much as I love this group and it fills me with happiness, I experience SO much guilt with it too. All these people involved, supporting me, or signed up - and I'm not doing enough. I can't keep up with all the tweets/messages or the facebook group. I'm trying but it's hard. And I want to do fun daily things, involve more people in spontaneous ways, do more things to give back, or make people smile... and it's just so fucking hard. I struggle to find the time and I mean really struggle.
2. Friends. I don't see my friends enough, I don't message them enough, I don't check in with them enough and see if they're okay. I'm a shitty friend. Again... I'm blaming time for this, but also I'm just shit. It doesn't mean I don't care or want to though.
3. Family. I don't see my mum enough! Arghh. This makes me so frustrated. I see her once a week, and sometimes even then I have to rearrange. Sometimes I don't have the bus money, sometimes I'm strapped for time, sometimes I feel down and hate facing people. But I feel guilty about this all the time. Even when I am with family, I feel like I'm not good enough and I end up feeling just as crappy.
4. Being a crap girlfriend. That's basically how I feel a lot, because I'm always busy, always tired, always stressed. Oh and if that weren't bad enough, I worry I'm not making enough money, and I feel totally unfair to rely on Gary, even though he's kind and doesn't mind. I feel like a bit of a let down to be honest.
5. Health. Arghhh. This one. I feel guilty that I'm not pushing myself to be healthier all the time. I try, but everything could be improved so much more. And then I think of all the people who would love to be in my position and how I'm not doing myself justice by being as fit and healthy as possible.
So yeah.. I'd say those were the main things for me. But there are a million small things that makes me feel incredibly guilty on a daily basis, and I wish I could let them all go really. If anyone has any tips, that would be great haha.
Do you carry any guilt around with you on a daily basis? And how can we improve this?
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